The Offical Avengers Video Diary
by TheMarvelousAsgardian
Summary: The Avengers give Steve a camcorder for his 95th birthday. He, in turn, opens it up for all of the Avengers' use. A series of videos taken by various team members of the odd activities taking place in the facility.
1. Chapter 1

Maria Hill dug through all of junk lying around in the storage room of the Avengers facility. A pile of old bows laid off against one of the walls because Clint couldn't bear to part with any of them. ("I have a special connection with all of them," he had said. "I would be dead if it weren't for these guys.")

Banner had a large box of purple stretchy pants, just in case, and Tony had at least a third of the room filled with old prototypes and out of date inventions. It was in Steve's box, though, that she struck gold.

The box itself was already in a darker corner at the back of the room, small and inconspicuous, with STEVE sharpied on the top. Although, she knew she really shouldn't, Agent Hill peered inside the box to find the Captain's original shield (the one used in his 1940's tour), a journal (which she had enough self-control not to read), an old photograph of a very small and skinny Steve with a larger, dark haired boy, and a camcorder, which she gingerly picked up (she really couldn't help herself).

It was a pretty recent model, a small and portable size with a flip-open screen and strap to go around the wrist. Opening the screen, a small note fluttered out and into Agent Hill's hands, so she obviously read it.

 _Steve,_

 _Happy 95th birthday! Thought you might be able to handle this better than that new iPhone that you tried out last week. And set fire to... Maybe you can make a video diary or something._

 _God Bless America,_

 _The Avengers_

Agent Hill smiled slowly, turned on the camera, found the recorded footage, and pressed play.

* * *

The screen was covered by something large and pink.

"Tony? Why can't I see anything? Didn't you say to press record and then whatever I was recording would be on this screen? It's just dark. Tony?"

"Steve, buddy, your hand is over the camera."

"What? Oh, thanks."

The screen cleared up to reveal a ridiculously giddy looking Steve (holding the camera to face him) with Tony in the background, who rolled his eyes.

"Hey there camera! This is Steve Rogers, on day 1 of the Avengers video diary!"

"Wait a sec, _Avengers_ diary? This camera is yours."

"I'm opening it up for all of the Avengers to use! It'll be fun."

Tony sat down and facepalmed. "Uh huh," he mumbled. "Fun… Iron Man keeping a video diary. Right."

A flash of blue shot by, and the screen warped from Steve's fave into a speedy blur. Pietro's face now filled the camera. "I think ees a good idea. I vill take video of zister Wanda and I learning all ze strange American things."

Tony groaned.

"Hey vhat's zis red button do?"

"Pietro, wait, NO!"

The screen went dark.


	2. Chapter 2

Tony occupied the screen, with his gigantic lab sprawling behind him.

"Hey there, camera, you're probably wondering why I'm holding you right now. Let me just put out there that I am very much _not_ creating a diary of any sort. The only reason why this dumb camera is in my hands is because I'm supposed to be "supporting" Steve in his "team-building project" and because Natasha "encouraged" me to do so with her Widow Bites... So, I thought I'd use this little device to record my display of gratitude for her." He smiled wickedly and turned the camera around so that it was moving down the hall.

"Tasha should be heading down to the shooting range right now to practice with Clint, Fury, and some of the other agents. I've made a few… what shall I call them… _modifications_ to her gun..."

The camera went on a journey through the halls, past Bruce eating nachos and watching a soap opera, Steve and Thor puzzling over how in Asgard many of the doors were able to slide open _all by themselves,_ and breaking a few of the doors in the process, and Wanda and Pietro attempting to play "Duck duck goose." With two people.

Finally, Tony made it to the shooting range, just as the agents were lining up to fire. Natasha Romanoff, hearing him enter and seeing him holding the camera, nodded approvingly at him and lined up her aim with the target.

"And three… two….. one….."

"FIRE!" shouted Fury.

Six SHIELD agents and Clint shot seven bullets that all smacked dead center in their targets. Natasha's gun, on the other hand, did not fire and starting making weird noises. Director Nick Fury, slightly angered, came up behind her.

"Agent Romanoff, why didn't you shoot?"

"Sir, my gun doesn't seem to be functioning properly…" and she displayed the gun to the Director, at which point it fired. Silly String. Which did not stop spewing from the gun as Natasha tried frantically to control it, and more and more Silly String sprayed out all over Fury, Clint, and the remaining agents. And Tony.

Blue Silly String was covering the camera screen in seconds.

"AAAAAAAHHHHHH! STARK! RRRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!"

"Nat… please don't -"

WHUMP

BAM

ZAP

"Tasha, snap out of it! Don't hurt Tony!"

"KIIIIILLLLLLL!"

"No no no no no! Bad idea!"

"WOULD YOU LIKE A BITE TOO?"

"AAAAUUUUUGGGGGHHH! SOMEONE RESTRAIN HER PLEASE!"

THWOP

THUMP

Silence.

"And that's why I always carry a tranquilizer. Agent Hill, please get these agents to the paramedic. I'm gonna go return Steve's camera."


	3. Chapter 3

"Hello." Clint Barton held the camera towards himself. "Guess what, camera! We've decided on a name for you… Ready? Drumroll please….."

At this point, Clint, being alone, set down the camera and began drumming on the table. Behind him hung numerous Robin Hood posters, from all of the various versions, a couple model bows and arrows, a bed, closet, dresser, and a rather deformed looking red lump that resembled a sculpture with a card propped up next to it reading " _To: Clint; From: Wanda._ "

"Stanley! We're gonna call you Stanley! Isn't that great? I-" but he was cut off as he heard suddenly, from down the hall:

"HAKUNA MATATAAAAA! (huff, puff) IT MEANS NO WORRIES (gasp) FOR THE REST OF YOUR DAAAAAAAYSSSSS!"

Clint picked up the camera and began walking cautiously down the hall and down to the gym, where he found Steve doing his workouts and singing Disney ridiculously off-key. All by himself. No accompaniment. He didn't even seem to notice Clint walking in. He wasn't singing the whole song either, instead just switching from song to song as he moved through his exercises.

"UNDER THE SEEEEAAAAA! (wheeze) UNDER THE SEEEEEAAAAA! (pant, pant) DARLING IT'S BETTER (gasp) DOWN WHERE IT'S WETTER (puff) UNDER THE SEEEEEAAAAA!"

Steve drank some water, and moved into his fighting routine. Natasha walked in from behind Clint and started moving towards him. He didn't notice.

"LET'S GET DOWN TO BUSINESS! (kick, punch) TO DEFEAT (duck, jab) THE HUUUUUUNNNSSSS! (swing, smack) DID THEY SEND ME DAUGHTERS (throw shield) WHEN I ASKED FOR SOOOONNS?"

"Yes, they did," stated Natasha curtly, and socked him in the nose as she walked past, sending a very stunned Steve tumbling over into his exercise equipment. Natasha exited out the back door.

Steve, wide-eyed, watched her go, then stood and collected his stuff, giving an embarrassed grin as he past Clint and the camera.

"Maybe I should start singing stuff from Broadway?"

Clint just sighed and turned off the camera.


	4. Chapter 4

"Hellloooooooo America, and welcome to a very exciting popular culture excursion. I'm your magnificent host, the one and only Tony Stark, and these are our four lucky contestants!"

Tony gave the camera his famous "I'm-better-than-you" grin and turned it around to reveal a very confused Steve, Thor, Pietro, and Wanda sitting on a couch.

"Erm, friend Ztark, vhat are ve doing here?" said Wanda.

"You'll see!" shouted Tony. "JARVIS! Cue the theme song!"

JARVIS sighed. "As you wish, sir."

"WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY? RING DING DING DING DERRINGADING…"

All four "contestants" cowered on the couch, shouting protests.

"WHAT IS THIS MADNESS? EXPLAIN YOURSELF ANTHONY HOWARDSON!"

"I vish we vere still in Sokovia…"

"Peggy's grandma could've played better music than this, and she was deaf!"

"Excuse me, police, ya, ve are being attacked by… 'vhat ze fox say'?"

Tony set the camera down and did a strange dance looking thing to the blaring music. "Yeah! C'mon guys, this is music nowadays! This is fun!"

"Make it stop!"

"Fine. JARVIS, end theme song…"

The music ended and the four on the couch slowly unplugged their ears. Tony turned to face the four. "All righty then, first order of business! Those outfits: Steve, your fashion sense is still from the 1940s, Wanda and Pietro still look like Eastern European gypsies, and Thor…" Tony just looked Thor up and down and shook his head slowly. "Needless to say, you all need a lot of work. Now, to the closets! I've picked out a suitable outfit for each of you, so go change and show me!"

As they went into their separate changing rooms (labeled with their names) Tony turned around and patted the camera. "Y'know, I'm really starting to enjoy this video diary thing."

The four Avengers slowly came out of the dressing rooms.

Steve walked out with designer boots, skinny jeans, and a red collared shirt with a navy blue sweater vest, and green bowtie. He kept feeling the jeans and muttering, "These are too tight…"

It was impossible to tell what shoes Pietro had on because his pants were so baggy, and he had a baggy shirt to match, with a picture of a DJing kitten on it. He also had on a gold chain necklace and a set of Beats headphones.

Wanda was wearing a simple summer dress, which would have been fine, if not for the strange orange color and the indescribably hideous design, and a giant-rimmed summer hat with a ribbon that matched the dress.

And then came Thor, sporting red Vans, tan cut off pants, a teal collared shirt decorated with pink whales, and a green scarf with blue polka dots, all completed with a fedora, which he had put on backwards.

The four slowly looked each other up and down, then all looked at Tony. Thor cracked his knuckles, which looked rather comical considering the outfit he was in, but got the point through nonetheless.

"Wow…. You guys look absolutely…. Amazing…" Tony gave a nervous chuckle, then turned and ran, four "stylishly" dressed Avengers running after him. Pietro tripped on his baggy pants in pursuit, but then recovered and followed the rest out of the frame.

A series of crashes and shouts followed.

A while later, the four, now dressed in their usual clothing and with huge smiles, led a battered Tony in front of the camera. Bound. And gagged. And wearing Wanda's summer dress and hat.


	5. Chapter 5

**Happy 4th of July and Happy Birthday Steve! Just a little holiday special here, but I couldn't fit it all in one take, so welcome to Part 1 of Steve's party! I'll get the next part/s out over the next couple of days.**

"Shhhhhhh…." Bruce Banner held a finger up to his lips, the Avengers standing behind him. Except for Steve. All were decked out in various patriotic things, aside from Wanda and Pietro, who wore their usual colors, and Clint standing between them in white. Together they claimed they were patriotic enough. Aside from the fact that standing together they looked like the flag of France, but Clint had convinced Tony not to mention it. Thor, who had no idea what was going on, just told the others to dress him in whatever was appropriate, so obviously they took complete advantage of this request. He had streamers looped all around him, little American flags tied to his ears, and baseball cap complete with a patriotic pinwheel.

"It's Steve's birthday, and the 4th of July, so we're surprising him!" said Bruce.

"YAY!" shouted Wanda. Tony slapped a hand over her mouth.

"Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…. He's sleeping, stupid!" He harshly whispered.

"We're gonna bake a cake together!" said Clint. "But only if he wants to, of course. Which he will." He smiled while Bruce turned the camera to the door. Steve's door was covered in red, white, and blue streamers, little American flags, and crayon drawings of bald eagles, drawn by Steve.

"You'd think he just did his room up for the 4th, but no, it's always like this."

"Alright, very slow and quiet now; we're all gonna get in his room first, go around his bed and yell 'Surprise!' Ok?" Bruce reminded.

So very slowly and quietly the Avengers burst through the door and immediately shouted "SURPRISE SURPRISE SURPRISE!" then all joined hands (aside from Bruce, who was holding the camera and facepalming) and screamed "God Bless the USA" at the top of their lungs. The screen was kind of tilted by now, because Bruce wasn't paying attention, so he slowly righted it and set it on the drawer behind him.

This is what a very groggy Steve woke up to on his 96th birthday.

"Whusawha…erph…" He slowly rubbed his eyes as he yawned and sat up, and then opened them.

"WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY STEVE!" The slowly dragged him out of bed and shoved him and his costume into a closet. Five minutes later, a very confused Captain America walked out, shield and all, and scratched his head.

"What're you guys…..? It's 3 in the morning!"

"I know, ve couldn't vait! Aren't you excited? We woke you up so ve can ave an even longer party for you, friend Steven!" Wanda jumped up and down like it was her own birthday, and then grabbed Steve's arm and half-led, half-dragged him out of the room. Bruce grabbed the camera on the way out and followed as Steve stumbled to the living room and onto the couch, which was covered in streamers and balloons. As soon as he sat, all the Avengers started handing him presents.

Tony got him a crystal that looked a lot like ice, with a toy Captain America figurine inside it. "Capsicle" was carved into it.

Natasha got him a fancy knife set, with included suggestions on where to hide them in his costume or clothes.

Clint got him a camouflage hunting outfit.

Bruce gave him the book, "A Beginners Guide to American Popular Culture," and a science kit.

Thor got him a bottle of Asgardian beer, and a crayon drawing of him and Steve fighting things that looked like black Teletubbies. "I asked the son of Barton what would be an appropriate offering for you," he said while proudly handing Steve the picture. "He helped me maneuver the waxen colored stick as well."

And Wanda and Pietro had both pitched in to knit him a homemade red and blue scarf. It was too long, and bits of yarn were sticking out, and it was messed up in some places, but Steve knew when to let things go.

"I love them all!" He shouted, and the Avengers had a big group hug that looked like mostly Thor enveloping everyone. The screen went dark, as it was being squished between people.

"You guys (gasp) are all so nice (gasp) but I'm being (gasp) kinda (gasp) suffocated right now…"

"Vhat is ze (gasp) space man doink? Eet ees (gasp) painful."

And then Thor let them go and the camera clattered to the ground. Bruce gingerly picked it up again and Steve's face became the center of attention.

"Ok guys," Clint announced from behind him. "Let's go bake a cake!"


	6. Chapter 6

And so they arrived in the kitchen, where Bruce set the camera down on a shelf so that the cake-making scene could be seen from the side, where all of the Avengers stood in a semicircle around a mixing bowl. Steve was wearing the twin's scarf, which looked kind of odd combined with his Captain's costume, but it made Wanda and Pietro happy.

"So," asked Tony. "What do we do?"

"How should I know? I'm a soldier, not a baker."

"We do not possess these 'cake' concoctions in Asgard."

"Assassins don't bake."

"Ooh! Ve baked a cake once, right brother Pietro?"

"Ya, eet vas good. Vat flavor did ve make again?"

"I think cake vith pickles. I love pickles. It vas a loovley black color too, I think."

"Except for all ze strange ugly brown splotches. Zose vere not good."

"And didn't ze man who ate ze cake get sick?"

"Alright, no one let Wanda and Pietro near the cake. Now does _anyone_ here know how to bake?"

Clint and Bruce slowly looked at each other, sighed, and began pulling ingredients from the cabinets. Flour, water, vegetable oil, and eggs all joined the yellow cake mix on the table. They greased and floured a large pan, heated the oven (while pushing Wanda and Pietro away from the knobs), and then gathered the others around.

"So Steve, we'll let you go first. Dump the mix into the bowl."

Steve proceeded to take the bag and harshly rip the top open, sending vanilla powder in a cloud through the air. He then dumped the rest into the bowl from about a foot above the bowl and more powder joined the atmosphere. The screen now had a fine layer of powder over it, making things still visible, but slightly cloudy. The Avengers, as well, had a nice layer of powder over them, and Steve was smiling proudly.

"I did it!" he boasted. "I'm baking a cake!"

Pietro sneezed.

Bruce measured out the water and vegetable oil into cups. Before he could call out the next person to go, though, Pietro zipped past, taking the ingredients, spilling them into the bowl (and all over the floor), and then returned to his spot, looking slightly embarrassed.

"Sorry, I got excited…"

Clint just nodded tiredly and explained to Thor how to use the mixer. The Asgardian grasped the machine in his hand like a weapon, tuned it on high, and began vigorously spinning it around the bowl like he was attacking a great gooey monster. Cake mix splattered everywhere, and soon the screen had quite a few batter splotches joining the powder. All the Avengers had been thoroughly splattered before Steve managed to get his shield up, and then Tony stepped out to stop Thor, who was oblivious to everything else going on. Tony went to grab the mixer from Thor's hand, but then slipped in the water and vegetable oil, and grabbed Thor's leg, bringing the Asgardian, the mixer, the bowl, and the cake mix all down upon him. Doused in cake mix, a sputtering Tony, now lying under Thor, grasped the mixer and turned it off.

Silence.

The scene was barely visible under the mix and powder covering the camera. Six splattered Avengers all cowered under Steve's patriotic shield while a completely batter-soaked Tony struggled to get out from under Thor. Thor finally managed to right himself, grabbing at the counter for support, and accidently spilled the red, white, and blue sprinkles that had been placed on the counter, and they all rained on Tony, who spat batter and sprinkles out of his mouth and began speaking.

"I have an idea. Let's just order a cake, go back to sleep…" He paused as the others nodded in agreement. "We'll clean up the floor later, go see the fireworks tonight, and – wait, is the _camera_ on?"

Bruce nodded.

"The whole time?"

Bruce nodded.

"Well, then someone turn it off. And delete this video. I'm going to take a bath."

Tony stumbled off in the direction of the bathroom. The rest followed. Steve stayed behind and looked into the camera.

"I'm not deleting this. Best. Birthday. Ever." He grinned, saluted, and turned the camera off.


	7. Chapter 7

Natasha held the camera at herself. "Hi. Today we're going to examine my weapons, because Steve wants some _normal_ things on this camera. As if anything we do is ever normal…" She flipped the screen and began walking to her weapons closet, on the way passing pictures of different celebrities that she probably hated and/or enemies, all with one thing in common. They were riddled with darts. Tony's picture was also off in one corner, although it was darted slightly less.

" _That_ ," she said, gesturing to it, "Joined the others after the Silly String incident."

She also had various weapons strewn around the room, some designs for a new costume, and a few small knickknacks from various trips around the world.

Natasha slowly walked to the closet, but when she opened it –

"AAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" The camera fell to the ground, now pointing at Tony's poster. A giant smiley face balloon, which had somehow been wedged in the closet by someone, had bopped out when she opened it and scared Natasha silly as she slashed it to pieces with the knife she had hidden somewhere on her, causing her to drop the camera.

"TOOOOONNNNNYYYYY!" She screamed. The knife she had been holding imbedded itself in the poster of Tony Stark, and booming footsteps marked Natasha's stormy exit.

Quiet for a while, followed by the sound of soft giggles. From under the bed someone crawled out, and turned the camera around to face them. Wanda and Pietro. Who both smirked at the camera and high-fived.

"I'd say zat was done rather well, eh, sister Wanda?"

"I vould say so, brother Pietro."

Muffled screams and protests came from the hall from Tony.

"And now…" continued Wanda. "Ve can use Natasha's computer."  
They opened a laptop sitting on a desk at the back of the room and began searching popular songs.

"Friend Tony vants us to look at more American things."

"'Ey look! Let eet go! I know zat one!"  
They opened it on YouTube and watched the video. And repeated it. Again. And again. And again. And then started singing along, incredibly off-key. Then they watched all the other Frozen songs.

"Vait, brother. We're supposed to be finding new things."

"Oh, ya, but can we just vatch ze snowman one just one more time?"

"No. Ve are moving on."

They searched a little more.

"Ooh! Vrecking Ball? Zey 'ad vrecking balls in Sokovia. Let's try zat one!"

So they pulled it up.

"Oh, zat is an interesting outfit… I am thinking I prefer mine…"

Miley Cyrus' outfit came off…

"AAAAAAAUUUUUUHHHHHH!"

"VAT IS ZIS!"

"ZIS IS AMERICA? ZIS VAS POPULAR?"

"CLOSE ZE VIDEO! CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT!"

As they flailed trying to pause the video, the camera got knocked over again, but Wanda and Pietro's feet were still visible running around the room and they were shouting things about Miley's outfit (or lack thereof) still as they dashed out.

A few minutes later, a pair of high heels stopped in front of the camera, and the screen lifted to face Natasha, who had by now figured out who the real perpetrators were. She smiled wickedly and held up a paper Miley on the wrecking ball.

"Guess what I'm going to be hanging everywhere?"


	8. Chapter 8

**Sorry this took so long! I'm on a trip right now so I can't update as often!**

 **Oh, and a big thank you to yaySokovia, my marvelous friend who let me use her version of Wanda and Pietro's personalities, because they are quite obviously different in my stories than in the movie. So if you like the way I write the twins and their accents (and even if you don't) you should go check out her stuff, because it's pretty awesome!**

The camera was turned around facing all of the Avengers, who were sitting on the couch, being bored.

"You're going to record us sitting here doing _nothing_?" asked Tony.

"Yeah!" Steve replied from behind the screen. "We're being natural!"

Tony grunted as he stared off into space. Bruce snored. Clint and Natasha were doodling something complicated. Thor was jabbing an iPhone. And Wanda and Pietro were throwing playing cards at each other.

"Zat is not 'ow you play, Pietro!"

"You vere cheating! You vere cheating!"

"Ok, stop it you two! Let's go do something!" Tony finally shouted after his fifth playing card paper cut. Everyone turned and looked at him. Except for Bruce, who was still asleep. Until the playing card box, thrown by Wanda, hit him on the nose.

"HEY!" His voice took on a Hulkish edge, prompting everyone to slowly back away as a slightly green looking Bruce Banner rubbed his nose.

"Oops," whispered Wanda.

"Deep breaths, buddy," said Steve cautiously.

Bruce breathed in and out, in and out, and in and out, slowly regaining control. The pen he had been holding when he fell asleep was beyond crushed, and there was black ink spattered all over his hand. He pouted.

"I actually liked that pen."

"I have an idea!" shouted Tony, who apparently had been oblivious to the Hulk scene thinking of things to do. "Let's go that game place!"

All nodded assent, although Wanda and Pietro had looks on their faces that said that they had no idea what "that game place" would entail.

They all loaded in the Avengers Minivan, and the camera was set on the dashboard, facing everyone, Steve in front, Natasha in shotgun, and the rest squished in the back two rows. What followed was a really really long off-key car musical consisting of "Old McDonald Had a Farm," "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star," "The Wheels on the Bus," and "12 Bajillion Bottles of Milk on the Wall." Along with plenty of others, most of them sung very enthusiastically by the twins.

"TVENTY SEVEN MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED THIRTY TWO BOTTLES OF MILK OF ZE VALL, TVENTY SEVEN MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED THIRTY TWO BOTTLES OF MILK! TAKE VON DOWN, PASS EET AROUND, TVENTY SEVEN MILLION EIGHT HUNDRED THOUSAND SIX HUNDRED THIRTY VON BOTTLES OF MILK ON ZE VALL!" sang Wanda, halfway into the journey. Clint, sitting between the twins, slowly pulled out a tranquilizer dart and stuck it in her arm. The rest of the ride was quite peaceful.

And finally they reached their destination. Steve turned the camera to face the Gaming Palace, and the eight went in, greeted by the sight of games and claw machines galore. Tony solemnly handed them each a gigantic bag of quarters.

"Trust me, you'll need it." And they went off.

Steve just followed people around for a little while. Clint had found the hunting games, and beat the high score with ease. He then proceeded to beat the high score on every shooting game in the building, making his log name _Cooler than Legolas._

"Why that name?" Steve asked.

"Because I don't need to be an _elf_ to shoot better than him. And my hair looks amazing without having to go to a beauty salon." Clint put his hands on his hips defiantly, daring Steve to disagree.

Steve turned the camera to go find more of his partners as Clint turned back to the game.

"Oooooo…. kay!" muttered Steve. "Let's go see what the others are up to."

He rounded a corner to see Tony… and Natasha. Working together. Steve turned the camera back at himself, looking very confused.

" _What?_ " he mouthed.

The screen rotated again to reveal the two usual enemies emptying all of the prize machines, Tony analyzing the mechanics, and Nat operating the claw like a pro. A pile of stuffed animals stood behind them, along with the manager of the building, who was shouting things about losing profit and whatnot.

Thor, however, was not doing so well. He had not succeeded in even getting one stuffed thing, and was beginning to lose patience, but was also still unwilling to quit.

"NO! This, Machine of the Claw, will be taken upon my HONOR! I shall NOT rest until this animal has been freed from its prison within your glass walls!"

Bruce was playing a puzzle game in the back with headphones in, presumably playing calming music.

The camera focused on Bruce for a second.

"Banner doesn't like claw machines. They make him angry."

The camera zoomed out again to Tony and Tasha.

Something pink and furry hit the screen, knocking it to the ground and into a second pile of stuffed animals.

"Hey hey hey! Those are mine! I won them! Stop it, you two, or I'll – Agh!"

"Ha ha! Zat vill teach you to mess vith my throwing!"

"Ya, brother Pietro! You show friend Ztark!"

The camera slowly righted itself to reveal Natasha, Tony, Wanda, and Pietro, having a stuffed animal fight. Steve's quiet chuckles came from behind the camera.

Pietro chucked a deformed teddy bear at Wanda, missing an ear and with one of its eyes dangling out.

"EEEEEEWWWWWWWWW!" she shrieked. "I DO NOT VANT ZIS VON!"

"Uh-oh…" said Pietro, backing away.

Wanda, fuming, slowly moved her hands as a red glow began to form around the stuffed animals. All of the stuffed animals. The various fuzzy objects all floated off the ground.

And launched themselves at Pietro.

The speedy Maximoff ran. For his life. The manager had stopped yelling as he turned around to see a blue blur fly past him being pursued by a cloud of murderous stuffed animals.

"WWWAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! I AM ZORRY! I AM ZORRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYY –"

The animal cloud had stopped, but Pietro, who was running too fast to notice, had passed the spot where the cloud waited in ambush and then dropped on top of him, burying him in a mound of fuzz.

A giant smash came from behind, as Thor gave up on the claw and just reached in and grabbed his prize.

The manager looked about ready to pull his hair out.

Tony gave a nervous laugh as he handed the manager a bunch of money and escorted the Avengers out, even a sulking Bruce, who had almost beaten his game. The Avengers, each clutching a stuffed animal, loaded into the van and headed home as Steve turned off the camera.


	9. Chapter 9

A laptop screen, with a web browser pulled up on a dating website.

 _Steve Rogers,_ it read. _Age 35, blond, looking for the right partner. Open to meet with someone on a blind date._

The mouse was moving to the bottom, where a plethora of people had clicked the button to meet with Steve, and accepted some.

The camera turned to reveal a smirking Natasha.

"If the dinosaur won't get out on his own, I'll just have to help him."

* * *

The camera was in a restaurant, angled as though it had replaced a security camera, and was focused so that it was looking down at table 12, where a blond-haired man sat with a collared shirt and tie, waiting for his date.

A woman walked towards the table, wearing a Captain America shirt, hat shoes, and patriotic pants, not to mention all of the Captain America jewelry she had on. The woman was literally trembling.

She dashed up to Steve, knelt at his side and grabbed his hand. Steve, too stunned to react in time, froze.

"OhmygoshohmygoshCaptainRogersImean YOUR MAJESTY IamyourbiggestfanIknoweverythingaboutyouandIstalkyouoneverysocialmediasiteI'M ACTUALLY TOUCHING CAPTAIN AMERICA!" The woman said, before fainting, still holding Steve's hand with an iron grip.

Steve slowly pried her off as Clint, dressed as a waiter, walked out of the back of the restaurant, winked at Steve, and dragged the woman over to the bathrooms.

A few of the other customers were starting to stare.

Another woman came in, headed for the now slightly wary Captain. This one, at least, was dressed normally, wearing a flowery dress. This lady was older than the last one as well.

"Hello," she said, sitting across from Steve. "I'm Amelia Perriweather. I hear you're interested in the job?"

"Job," Steve repeated tentatively.

"Why, yes. Looking over my babies! You see, my darlings need to be taken care of when I'm away, and I can't always be there. Of course, most people don't interview for this kind of thing, but I take my precious sweethearts' welfare very seriously."

"You have kids….." Steve was giving Amelia a strange look, as though he wasn't sure what his emotions wanted to do with his face right then.

"Oh, no! Never! Were you not advertising looking for this job? Look, here are my babies."

She pulled out a roll of photos, and began displaying them to Steve. They were cats. A lot of cats.

"This is Jose. This is Esmeralda. This is Pookins, he has stress problems, so you'll have to make sure you comfort him regularly…"

"Um, I don't think -"

"This is Theodora. This is Willard, he has digestion problems, so you may need to clean up after him when he throws up, and –"

"NO! No, no no."

The lady paused, her hand on Willard's photo, a fat, ugly cat, and she was only halfway through the stack.

"Listen," said Steve. "I'm here looking for a date. Not cats."

Amelia looked the Avenger up and down.

"Well, you are good looking. But I'm afraid I cannot date a man who can't appreciate my darlings."

And with that, she picked up her purse and walked out. Steve sighed with relief. He pulled a walkie-talkie out of his pocket.  
"Nat, the next one had better be good, or else –"

He looked up suddenly, as a very old woman in a wheelchair entered the building, and wheeled her way over to the table.

"Am I late?" she asked, her voice quiet and frail.

"Peg," Steve whispered, a smile slowly spreading across his face.

"Steve." She smiled back.

Steve looked up at the camera, seeming to only just notice it there.

"Why don't we take a walk, and I'll what I've been up to?" he asked.

She put her right hand on the controller of the electric wheelchair.

"That would be marvelous," replied Peggy Carter, as he took her other hand and the pair exited the room.

* * *

"Oh, well. I guess the girlfriend problem will have to wait," said Natasha as she pulled the camera down from the wall and stopped the recording.


	10. Chapter 10

**I know it's been a while since I've posted, but, well, there's school and stuff. I'm sorry. Anyways, hope you enjoy! And I really appreciate your reviews; they make me really happy! :)**

* * *

Tony looked into the camera, his face pale and drawn with fear and resilience, eyes ringed and dark from lack of sleep. He breathed heavily as he spoke, crouched behind a purple couch with a pair of gold earmuffs and a pot on his head.

"We have entered (huff) a warzone."

He slowly lifted the camera around the corner of the couch to reveal Steve, Thor, Clint, Natasha, Bruce, and Pietro hiding behind other furniture in the Avenger's living room, all wearing pots, pans, metal trays, and other various things as helmets and armor, as well as earmuffs. All held guns, but no other weapons were visible.

"It's Wanda," Tony breathed, bringing the camera back. "Bruce decided to watch a movie marathon with her last night. As a result of this, we regret to report that Wanda Maximoff has entered…" He closed his eyes with a shudder.

"Musical Mode."

"ZE HIIIIIIIIIIIILLLLLLSSSSS ARE ALIIIIIIIIIVVVVVVEEEEEEEE! VITH ZE SOUND OF MUUUUUUUUUUZZZZZZZZZIIIIIIIIICCCCCCC!" Incredibly loud, ridiculously off-key singing came from the next room over, as Tony's face contorted in pain.

Tony glanced around the couch.

"As soon as she comes in the room," Steve whispered, loading his gun with a tranquilizer, receiving affirmative nods from the other Avengers.

"VITH SONGGGGSSSS ZEY HAVE SUNGGGGGGGG! FOR A….. LOOONNNNNNGGGG TIIIIIIMMMMMEEEEEE!"

"The worst part is that she doesn't really know the words…"

"Uhhhhh…. Ooh! SOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMEEEEEEVVVVHHHHHEEEEEERRRRREEEEE OOOOVER ZE RAINBOOOOWOWWWWW!"

Steve held up his fingers.

Three.

"WAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY"

Two.

"UUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPP"

Three.

"HIII- AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHH"

The seven Avengers jumped out from behind the couches, shouting war cries and letting off a spray of tranquilizer darts. The camera wobbled with the motion. Wanda was on the coffee table, arms outstretched as she sang, deflecting bullets with her magic.

"ZUPERCALIEXPALICIOUSZOOPENSOMESINKDOCIOUS! IF YOU ZING IT LOUD ENOUGH YOU'LL ALVAYS SOUND ATROCIOUS! ZUPERDINGDONGFAGILEISTICLALADOODLEDOCIOUS!"

Wanda spun around on the table, still deflecting shots. One flew straight into Clint, finding an exposed spot right under the metal tray covering his chest.

"Our best hope of an accurate shot is gone!" Steve yelled. "Retreat and regroup!"

Seven Avengers clustered in a nearby hallway, leaving an oblivious Wanda trying to beatbox in the living room. The view swiveled as Tony handed the camera to Natasha so she could film him hashing out a battle plan. All of Tony and his pot armor was now visible.

"All right, my fellow warriors. It appears a brute force is not the best option. We need a new strategy."

He took a crumpled scrap paper from his pocket and laid it on the floor, using a pencil (also from the pocket) to sketch the living room and some arrows and symbols while whispering directions.

"Thor, this is you. You and I will come around from the kitchen and distract the singing menace."

"Why must I be this odd shape? I would like to be the circle."

"I vant to be ze triangle," Pietro peeped.

Tony grumbled while changing shapes around. "Then when she's distracted the rest of you will come in and shoot."

"Let's do this!" Steve said with a grin, and Tony grabbed the camcorder back before joining Thor in the kitchen. Thor turned to face Tony.

"May the warriors of Valhalla honor us for this battle," he said, before walking back into the living room.

"Comrade Wanda!" Thor shouted. "Bring a halt to your vile noises!"

Wanda didn't seem to hear him, instead launching into another chorus as Tony and Thor shouted at her to stop.

"DO YOU VANT TO BUILD A SNOWMAAAAAAAAAANN!"

Thor gasped. "I know this song!" And launched into harmony with her, his mission forgotten.

"I'VE STARTED TALKING TO ZE PICTURES ON ZE VALLS!"

"HANG IN THERE JOAN," Thor's voice rumbled.

"No! Thor, don't give in to her –" Wanda twisted her fingers, and red tendrils floated around in front of the screen, with Tony turned to face him as the wisps entered his head.

"Tell Pepper I love her," he muttered as he and the camera dropped to the floor. Tony was curled in the fetal position, whimpering and moaning as he saw his worst nightmare. "Nooo… Wanda…. Everywhere… Everyone…Singing…."

"ZE PHAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNTOM OF ZE OPERA IS ZERE! INSIDE YOUR MIND!"

A blue flash was visible as Pietro zipped in, grabbed the camera, placed it on a nearby shelf, and zipped out. A battle cry was sounded as the Avengers rushed in a full frontal assault, tranquilizers firing. Wanda, still on the defensive, flicked them away with her magic while Thor, singing with her, knocked them away with a frying pan.

"Zizter Vandaaaaaaaa!" Pietro tried to tackle his sister but instead got caught in the head by the frying pan and crumpled to the floor.

Steve was shaking Tony, trying to wake him from the dream. "Wake up buddy, you've gotta wake up…" Until both of them were hit by tranquilizers, bringing some peace to Tony.

"IT'S ZE CIRRRRRRCLE OF LIIIIIIIIIFFFFFFFEEEEE!"

Natasha and Bruce were tag teaming, with her firing as Bruce knocked flying tranquilizers out of the way with his own frying pan. Until Nat tripped over Clint's unconscious body, knocking herself out as her head hit the coffee table, and Wanda deflected a bullet into Bruce's arm.

Bruce Hulked out.

"WWWWWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH," bellowed the Hulk, silencing all, including Wanda. Thor's frying pan clattered to the ground.

The Hulk smacked Thor into a couch where he slumped over, out cold.

"Ze…. Circle…. Of liiif…" Wanda's voice trailed off nervously.

The Hulk reached into the pocket of his purple pants and calmly pulled out a roll of duct tape before picking up Wanda and placing a strip of tape over her mouth. He then set her gently on the couch and turned the TV onto the Nature Channel, settling down next to her.

And there they sat for a few hours in silence, big green monster and gagged Sokovian, until the others regained consciousness and stopped the recording.


End file.
